“Halle’s having a lot of fun with Chris,” a source told OK magazine. “She has a weakness for bad boys who are a little rough around the edges. He brings out her youthful side.”

Ummm. Lets start at the beginning for those of you who may not know who Chris Webby is. The first time I heard of him was as “that white rapper that robbed his R.A. with a BB gun and got kicked out of school”, soon to become “that white rapper that I forgot existed”. He would go on to drop Best In The Burbs and a bunch of other mixtapes I don’t care enough to look up. Fast forward to 2016 and one of the first news stories I hear this year is that he’s dating Halle fucking Berry. Lets let that resonate for a second. Halle Berry, winner of the 2002 Academy Award for Best Actress, former bond girl, and hall of fame smokeshow is now dating the dude that recorded R.A.D. (Roll A Doobie). I’m gonna let Webby cook though, he’s batting way out of his league but if he can pull it off more power to him. Kevin Garnett said it best; “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLEEEE”

P.S. Never Forget

The Mark: Martin Shkreli. Everybody knows this guy as “That dude that fucked with the AIDs drug that made everyone mad”. That’s as far as I’m going to go because he looks like the kinda dude that would sue us. The only other thing I’ll say is I genuinely can’t look at pictures of him without laughing.

If you google “mousey finance guy that pays prostitutes to go to Galas with him but doesn’t have sex with them” his face probably comes up.

Ok maybe not.

The Prize: Once Upon a Time in Shaolin by the Wu Tang Clan. The most exclusive album ever created. It cost Shkreli $2 million to purchase and theres a good chance more people have heard Doc’s mixtape full of 70’s porn instrumentals than have heard this album. The album is stored in an engraved silver box that looks to be about 12″ x 12″ x 6″ (this will be important later)

Location: The album was originally held in a vault under the Royal Mansour Hotel in Marrakech, Morocco. It would be much easier if the album were still stored here as we’ve all seen Ocean’s 11 and Morocco is such an elaborate heist country it’s unbelievable. Seriously, it’s a country full of Aston Martins, rich businessmen getting comped at casinos, and elaborate heists. Unfortunately the album has been relocated stateside, with a temporary stop at customs at JFK on March 3rd 2015. We know Shkreli is a life time New Yorker and his office appears to be 6th avenue near 46th street (great, a heist in the middle of fucking Times Square, should be a piece of cake). I’m not going to post his actual address but it was released by hackers and it’s an easy google search away (PS. it’s on 40th street). We’re relatively certain the album will be at one of these two locations.

Ok so we know what’s being stolen (not that I would ever endorse anyone breaking the law), who has it, and where it’s most likely located. Now lets get into the nuts and bolts of the heist:

*I recommend you put on some music to pump you up*

Ok now that you’re starting to feel yourself lets move on.

This is where you’re probably starting to say “Hey KP, you’re not a fucking criminal and this is already 500 words, what are you doing”. Well you can stop reading now because your heart clearly isn’t in this and you’re probably going to back out at the last second and fuck up the whole plan.

Ok so we’re in midtown Manhattan, that means we’re either approaching via car or helecopter. Since the FAA has to approve all non-registered sightseeing company flight plans over that area we’re going with the car. There are 2 ways we could get past his doorman and into his building: firstly we could connect with someone else that lives in his building that is against his drug price hiking policies (shouldn’t be hard) and have them tell the doorman they’re expecting a service visit. Appliance repairman is probably the way to go here becuase it will require the least amount of equipment needed to maintain our cover. From here we either hop in an uber XL (if you have a corrupt uber driver connect now’s the chance to use it) and get dropped off a block away or get in a regular yellow cab and use cash. We walk into the building, get past the doorman using our appliance repair cover and slip into the elevator. The second option is we dress as EMTs and be in a super rush and just run past the doorman into the elevator. We’re going to stick with the first since I don’t know where you buy an ambulance.

We’re in the elevator. Depending on if the elevator shows its floor on the lobby we either get off at our cover floor and go down the emergency stairs to his floor or we just get off where ever we want. From here it’s easy, we have our lock guy pick his front door and we move into his apartment undetected. After that we search his place for the album (since it’s package is a piece of art it will likely be in a glass box near the sound system), secure it’s contents and get ready to move out.

Exit Strategy: our team of 4 will split. 2 people will take off their jump suits to reveal casual clothes, they’ll secure the album in a messenger bag head down the elevator and walk out the front door without the doorman batting an eye. the second team will remain in the apartment, remove the door from the refrigerator (to add insult to injury) and walk out the lobby carrying the door. They’ll make a clever quip to the doorman “Who would have guessed you could break a refrigerator door, assholes” and leave him with the impression you’re returning soon with a new one. They ditch the door and rendezvous with team 1 who is a block away with the wheelman. after that we head down the west side, through the tunnel into NJ and meet up with the Wu in the sticks of PA (long past the point of street cameras). Bing Bang Boom, we just stole a fucking album.

This is the Abbreviated version of the plan. Necessary equipment, personnel recomendations, total cost, and further details can be obtained from SCR Heists & Capers LLC (not necessarily an affiliate of Street Credit Report.com)

As a final note: We do not endorse theft, we are not liable for anyone attempting to follow this plan without our written approval, we are not encouraging anyone to perpetrate theft or burglary, if it works make sure you tag us on Instagram.

Hot take alert: Future bought himself this ring because Ciara is fucking a dude with a Super Bowl ring. He doesn’t want little Future growing up in a world where the guy fucking his mom has a bigger ring than his dad.

1. Meek Mill Calls Out Drake on Twitter

Billboard-  “Stop comparing drake to me too…. He don’t write his own raps! That’s why he ain’t tweet my album because we found out!” Mill alleged after firing off a few tweets. “The whole game know forreal they scared to tell the truth! I can’t wait tok these guys and sit back and act like they don’t know!”

Choo Choo, everyone aboard the beef train! It looks like we have something brewing here between Meek Mill and Drake. Meek went on a twitter rant this week alleging that Drake uses ghost writers to write his rhymes, including Drake’s verse on RICO.  It’ll be interesting to see how Drake responds (if he bothers responding) and to see if Nicki gets involved. -KP

Alright, the first major beef of the year! Let’s get this started. Drake has long been regarded as the softest rapper in the game, as years and years of Internet memes and bejeweled ski masks will prove. Meek Mill on the other hand is an aggressive, battle rapper from the streets of Philly who has served jail time within the past calendar year. This doesn’t even seem fair. -Doc

I’d say Meek goes into this with a 1 point lead. CURRENT SCORE: MEEK 1, DRAKE 0

1. WE HAVE A DISS TRACK

Well this is…something. Drake decided to hit Meek back today with his first ever diss track. I don’t really know where to go with this. I love that Drake dropped a track, I really do but this does not sound like a diss track. I wouldn’t have batted an eye if this followed Houstalantavegas on So Far Gone but someone needs to explain how beef works with Drake. Sure there were some lines about how rich Drake is and a couple vague insults but on the whole this shit sucks. Drake deserves some credit for taking this beef off twitter but he did it in the absolute softest way possible. -KP

KP summed this up pretty well. This feels sloppy, like if instead of writing and recording “Who Shot Ya” Biggie had just fucked around in a home studio for an afternoon and said “yeah, good enough” -Doc

Drake loses a point for not taking this beef seriously CURRENT SCORE: MEEK 1, DRAKE -1

III. HOLY SHIT DRAKE WENT BACK TO BACK

I debated skipping writing this blog and just posting a page of fire emojis but 1) that’s not why you come here and 2) I have no fucking clue how to post a full page of fire emojis. This shit is really really fucking good. Let’s start at the top, the cover art. For those who don’t know that’s a picture of Joe Carter in game 6 of the 1993 World Series. The Toronto Blue Jays were up 3 games to 2 in the bottom of the 9th losing to the Philadelphia Phillies (there’s levels to this shit young boy) when Carter blasted a ball into the right field seats making Toronto the first team to win back to back (!!!) World Series’ since the ‘78 Yankees.      -KP

Truuuuu. All my criticism of the last track not being thought out goes right out the window on this one. Starting right off with some ’07 Weezy level wordplay (“back to back like I’m on the cover of Lethal Weapon”) and then going right on in. Let’s not go into every quality line here (there are too many) but just skip to the death blow:

“You love her then ha gotta get a world tour

Is that a world tour or ya girl’s tour?

I know that you gotta be a thug for her

But this ain’t what she meant when she told you to open up more

Trigger finger turn to Twitter fingers

You gettin’ bodied by a singin nigga

I’m not the type of nigga that’ll type at niggas

AND SHOUT TO ALL MY BOSS BITCHES WIFIN’ NIGGAS”

I GOT EXCITED JUST TYPING THAT

Adding to Drake’s win here is the fact that it’s been days and Meek hasn’t even responded to the first track. Drake gets 2 points for the best diss since “Ether” and another point for going back to back before Meek could even get off a shot.

-Doc

CURRENT SCORE: Meek 1, Drake 3

1. Meek Releases “Want to Know”

I listened to this track yesterday and I’ll be honest, I already forgot what it sounded like. This track was like when you’re really nervous and you have too much time to write something and you wind up editing and editing until it doesn’t make any sense anymore. The biggest news about this track was Funk Flex jerking us off for 3 days saying he was gonna drop it without dropping it. The whole thing was a goddamn debacle. -KP

I’m sorry, I just can’t get excited about this one. I’m a big fan of Meek but this is weak. Sampling the Quentin Miller track the allegedly proves he ghost wrote for Drake is a nice touch, but this track really doesn’t go anywhere. It’s full of references that are either so generic they’re not hard hitting or so obscure that Rick Ross probably would probably have to look them up on Rap Genius.  -Doc

Yo the line:

I just wanna know

If you ain’t write that running through the 6 shit

Tell us who the fuck was Quentin running through the 6 with

would have been a DEATH BLOW if it came right after Charged Up and Drake didn’t drop B2B. -KP

The most interesting part is at the end when Meek claims that someone pissed on Drake in a movie theatre, but then doesn’t elaborate on it at all. Weak track, days late. Meek loses a point overall -Doc

I forgot about that piss line too, did someone piss on Drake? Was it R Kelly? Did drake like it? What rhymes with yellow shower? -KP

CURRENT SCORE: Meek 0, Drake 3

So Drake obviously won that one, I’m dropping Meek 125 because the way the internet is banging with Drake now I’m not sure he’ll ever recover. -KP

So here’s where we are right now. The Game, former rapper current instagram fitness model in training, was playing in a Pro-Am basketball game at Hollywood High School. Things got heated and he ended up sucker punching a cop. Great Call Jayceon. We always knew Game acted like a tough guy but I’m glad he’s officially been ousted as a pickup ball tough guy, AKA the worst kind of fucking guy. Oh, you played on your private school’s varsity squad and now you play at the gym like Kentucky scouts are in the building? You wore a shooters sleeve and you’re throwing elbows like a WWE match but calling fouls like Joey Crawford? Congratulations, you’re an asshole and no one will ever love you.

Wow, we went off the rails a little there. Point is you can’t go around sucker punching people when you’re famous. If you’re driving home in a Lambo you should be able to rise above the bullshit and ignore a dude that chirps while he backs you down.

I’m reluctantly giving Game a 5 point boost in SC. It was a dumb move but at least he’s still putting his money where his mouth is.

PS. The Game just got Mike Tyson’s face tattooed on his hand. Have fun looking at that every time you take a piss.

PPS. Work on your calves bro.

I want to start this article with a disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, nor do I have any legal training. Now that that’s out of the way I can say that in my professional legal opinion Ackquille Pollard aka “Chewy” aka “Bobby Shmurda” is FUCKED. Like massively fucked. I’m not proud to say it but I read the indictment cover to cover and that shit was bad. I’ll sum up my takeaways and some of my favorite parts:

• The indictment brings charges against 19 people, 15 of them are named and 4 are assumed (by me) to be snitches
• Bobby’s other nickname is “Chewy”, maybe he likes Star Wars, maybe he’s into granola, we’ll have to wait for the trial
• Every crew has a dude nicknamed D-Rose
• Every crew should have a dude named “Montana Flea”
• Bobby was regularly out selling drugs, including to undercover cops
• Bobby shot his gun into a crowd of people
• Bobby shot at other members of GS9
• GS9 member “Mitch” is being charged with murder. I wonder if Bobby’s line “Mitch caught a body bout a week ago” will come back to bite him. Nah probably not

Excerpts:

• On or about April 28, 2014, in a telephone conversation, the defendant Deshain Cockett aka “D-Boy” told the defendant DEVON RODNEY aka “Slice” that the defendant ACKQUILLE POLLARD aka “Chewy” aka “Bobby Shmurda” was armed with two firearms while on the street stating “your bob Bobby out here with 2 CDs on him like he in the wild wild west or something”
• On or about April 28, 2014 in a telephone conversation, the defendant ACKQUILLE POLLARD aka Chewy aka Bobby Shmurda told the defendant DEVON RODNEY aka “Slice” that he was armed with two firearms while he was in the street stating “I’m two socks Bobby right now”

Shit’s real fucked up. As much as I’ve loved Bobby up until this point I can’t bring myself to defend him. Firing shots into crowds and blasting up barber shots isn’t good. Not to mention the fact that he did a lot of this shit after Hot Nigga blew up. Shitty decision making all around. He almost redeems himself by calling himself  “two socks Bobby” but it’s not enough. SCR will keep covering the story as new information leaks and the trial kicks off. For now I’m giving Bobby 50 points for being authentic as fuck.

You may have read the title and been confused about the fact that we’re not deducting any Street Credit from Chance for this. As of the beginning of this sentence, I have a policy: I will never deduct SC from a rapper because his community thinks he’s doing something positive. While Chance receiving this award may say as much about the youth of Chicago as it does about him, I’m not going to trash him for trying to do something good for the (Sh)murder capital.

Chance has never pretended to be a hood rat. His dad worked on the first Obama campaign and his hardest raps have been about getting suspended from his high school for having weed (10 days? Are you for real, are you serious?). He just finished up his Social Experiment tour and besides putting out a dope version of the theme song from Arthur his biggest media story has been his spearheading the #SaveChicago campaign.

All I’m going to say is “Good for you Chance!” Keep doing your thing and maybe throw in a new mixtape in between all your activist bullshit.

After publicly denouncing Hood By Air and Been Trill, that pretty motherfucker looks like he’s now promoting for Salvatore Ferragamo. This is definitely a step up as far as high fashion is concerned but it may be a step back for his street credit. I may be in the minority here but I really don’t give a fuck about Rocky’s fashion endeavors anymore. I have a great idea that I think I’m going to pitch his manager, tell him to throw on a pair of jeans and a t shirt and get to the fucking studio. That’s it, it’s not hard. Shit he probably has a studio in his house for fucks sake.

You could make a good argument that Rocky is the reason that any of the A$AP mob is famous. He was the first one to really come up and he put out a lot of good music early in his career. Since then, Ferg is the only A$AP dude that I regularly follow. Ferg still puts out FIRE. The thing Rocky needs to realize is that he’s a rapper, not a fashion designer. I’m sure he has a keen eye for colors and a few really good stylists but if he falls out of the rap game no one is going to give a fuck who he’s wearing.

I’m dropping him 15 in SC because I think he needs to get his priorities straight and stop thinking we give a fuck about what he’s wearing.

Ty coming through getting LUCKY. It’s real shitty luck when your bus breaks down, it’s even worse luck when the police try to help and wind up bringing in dogs to search the bus.

We can safely say that if there was that much weed on the bus, Ty is about that life. It’s not like Ty said he was hopping on a plane and his crew balled out like their parents were away, he was probably sitting on that plane wishing he was hot boxing the bus. The real takeaway from this is that Ty needs to throw a DOPE party for his crew once this is all cleared up. He seems like the kind of guy that already takes care of his crew but if 7 of them catch a case from riding your shitty-ass bus you have to really ball out. I’ll be surprised if that party doesn’t end in more arrests than this one.

Since it turn’s out Ty wasn’t on the bus he’s not getting a change in SC.