Oh lord, you’re foaming at the mouth now. Settle down, it’s gonna be alright. Christ, I am not looking forward to being there when you find out there is a character in the new Captain America movie named Black Panther. Hmm? Oh, nothing. Don’t worry about it.

What’s that? Yes, I’m sure Bey saw the angry Facebook posts that you composed during the second half of the game alleging that she was empathizing with terrorists. I’m sure she read them all and thought long and hard about them.

Yes, your memes were all scathing. All of them. Really. Bey probably showed them to Jay and then the two of them probably sat somberly in their $100 million penthouse and considered the effect that her disgusting display could have on impressionable youths.

But seriously, I like this. And not just because I’m terrified of upsetting the Beyhive. Doubling down on who you are is always the move. +30 to Mrs. Carter.

Still in jail awaiting trial for numerous charges, up to and including attempted murder, Bobby has had bail denied time and time again. The newest development in this ongoing comes from Shmurda’s mother, who recently told XXL that while locked up, he has been working on a script detailing the origins of GS9, several other members of which are being held for trial as well.

Uhh, Bobby, that might now be the best idea.

Remember the last thing you wrote? That song that made you famous? Remember how, as we have previously discussed, the lyrics are like 75% incriminating evidence? Remember Mitch? Remember how he caught a body a week and almost two years ago? He’s being charged for that.

This seems like a half-assed scheme the DA might cook up in a CSI knockoff. He doesn’t have enough evidence to convict, so he has a typewriter left in Shmurda’s cell hoping that, if left alone long enough, his burning desire to write will produce some kind of court admissible evidence.

So Bobby, do you get what I’m saying? This script is probably not a great idea. At the very least you gotta throw in some leprechauns or something that you can point to like “See? This couldn’t have happened. There are leprechauns. Leprechauns aren’t real”

It seems lazy to blame this decision on too many rappers biting his style though. Like, you can’t compete with imitations of yourself? That’s like if Future just up and retired the second Desiigner dropped.

That’s why I have to give Keef a -5 for his retirement present. Sorry it’s not a gold watch, bro. Wish you the best, and we’ll always have “Don’t Like,”

Here’s lookin at you, Keef.

Oh shit, I have been waiting for this. That sounds mad petty, but just understand that’s not how I mean it. See, rich people broke is different than you and me broke. When rich people file for bankruptcy it’s because they want to protect the boatload of money that they still have. When I file for bankruptcy it’s because student loan officers have started coming round my apartment with tire irons. It’s just different.

So when a rich person declares bankruptcy they actually do have money. In fact they probably still have a whole lot of money. But when Donald Trump declares bankruptcy you don’t see him wiping his ass with hundred dollar bills on IG. With rappers it’s different. The only things rappers like more than having money is letting you know they have money. Like the old saying goes: if Birdman makes bills in the forest and there’s no one around to watch him flex, did he even get paid?

And there’s nothing wrong with that. If you grew up with holes in ya zappatos, you’d celebrate the minute you be having dough. Unless of course there is a powerful government entity watching closely to make sure you’re not flaunting your expendable income. Then you have a problem. So I’ve been waiting to see which would prevail: 50’s common sense, or his desire to shine. Looks like we have a winner.

In conclusion: it is not always best to be fresh as hell if the Feds watchin.

Rappers, stop injuring yourselves on motorbikes.

Maybe this is a bit alarmist of me, but after Jay Rock’s recent injury and Fetty Wap’s similar misfortune last year I figured I should say something. As Sherlock Holmes may (or may not. I have no idea) have said: once is an event, twice is a pattern. Best to play it safe.

Fetty’s incident was unfortunate, but not unexpected. A guy with zero depth perception should probably not be driving a motorcycle in the first place. Jay’s came out of nowhere though. I had no idea he even had a bike. Who’s next? Meek is big on dirt bikes and he’s had a rough year, so my money is on him.

But anyways, let’s try to get this under control before it becomes a problem. The first time an album is delayed due to a motorcycle accident, I am suing the shit out of Harley Davidson.

That’s an excerpt from Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech after snatching the Best Album grand prize at last nights Grammy Awards. A clear reference to Kanye West’s “Famous” off of The Life Of Pablo. The song caused waves when it debuted last Thursday for the line “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex… I made that bitch famous,” instantly garnering accusations of misogyny.

So the first thing this tells us is that maybe Taylor didn’t actually approve the use of this line, as Yeezy previously claimed. Also, maybe he should think his Twitter rants through a little more before posting.

kanye, what’s up with you lately? The crazy late night tweets, theattack on Wiz, the Bill Cosby defense, only releasing your album on Tidal. It’s like you saw all the hate Martin Shrelki was getting and got jealous.

I’ll let others debate whether or not this was misogynist. To me it just seemed to be an indictment of Kanye’s ego more than anything else, but I just write jokes on the internet so what do I know? Honestly though, Taylor, I think it would have been more effective if you just took the stage, walked up to the mic, and verbatim told Kanye to go fuck himself. And then did the dirt-off-your-shoulder gesture. That last part is non-negotiable.

Taylor’s brother Austin reacted via Instagram by posting a video of himself whistling as he throws out a pair of Yeezys. This post drew praise from several celebs was widely shared in support of T-Swizz.

Getting a head start on some spring cleaning. Here we go again.

A video posted by Austin Swift (@austinkingsleyswift) on Feb 11, 2016 at 4:17pm PST

Now, this is the first I’ve ever heard of Austin Swift, so I don’t really know anything about the guy, but I hope he likes sneakerheads digging through his trash. Cause he’s gonna get that for about a week.

The overall debate I’ll stay out of. What matters here is that Austin feels like Ye disrespected his sister. But dude, you bought the shoes. The money is already in Kanye’s pocket. You’re just throwing out your own sneakers at this point.

And for what those cost, I think you’re crazy. If Taylor is actually offended then yeah, maybe don’t wear them to family gatherings, but those is expensive. This is some rich people shit

But I don’t know, nice gesture I guess? You do you. I’m just saying that if MJ talked shit about my sister, she’d just have to deal with it cause I can’t afford to trash a pair of Jordans.

Then again, now you’ve got room on your shelf for the new Yeezys… Just sayin…

UPDATE: The melody that Austin is whistling in the video sounds suspiciously like this WWII British song about how Hitler only had one testicle.

But this article isn’t about that. It’s about what happened immediately before the show. According to US Weekly, in the hours before her performance, Beyonce received a delivery of ten thousand roses from her husband: a Mr. Sean Carter.

Jay. What the fuck.

You know that Valentines Day is coming up right? Every woman in America is expecting a gift from bae this coming Sunday and you have raised the bar way too goddamn high for the rest of us. You think anyone’s girl is gonna be satisfied with candy and a bouquet now? Guys all over the country are gonna be showing up with a dozen roses only to get hit with “Jay gave Bey literally 833 times this…”

So yeah, thanks for that, Hov. Now we all gotta shell out for skywriting or some shit. On V Day the sky above New York is gonna have so many chicks’ names in it that it’ll look like a baby name book. Hope you’re happy, Jay. Hope you’re happy.

Today’s addition, apparently done in Denmark, is… interesting though.

I never would have pegged The Game for a big Gremlins fan. I mean, everyone likes Gremlins but I don’t know many people who like it enough to get Gizmo inked on their bicep. And it’s looking out from behind a bottle of Louis XIII? Huh?

I guess that last part actually makes sense. I should invest in one that just straight up says “Warning: Do not feed this dude cognac after midnight”

Gotta remember to look into that.

But yeah, if The Game wants a Gremlins tattoo, The Game can get a Gremlins tattoo. I’m not gonna stop him. He says this is the start of a series based on things from his childhood. Here’s hoping that as a kid he was a  also fan of Ghostbusters.

Now I don’t know much about Atlanta real estate, but holy shit. A five bedroom house? How many dabbin’ Santa sweaters did you sell, Chainz?? Apparently the family “was staying in a two-bedroom home that was infested with pests and mold” when Saint Chainz heard about their plight through a local church. This follows closely on the heels of several other charitable acts from the rapper, including helping a disabled veteran pay rent, and buying a mini van for a family that lost everything in a fire.

I wanna take the opportunity real quick, to rub this in the face of all the I-only-listen-to-real-hip-hop types who talked shit when I told them I liked 2 Chainz a couple years back. Quit bringing up Hopsin on me. 2 Chainz is the real deal. Dude is doing some real good around his community, and “I’m Different” is still dope. +10