Oh shit, I have been waiting for this. That sounds mad petty, but just understand that’s not how I mean it. See, rich people broke is different than you and me broke. When rich people file for bankruptcy it’s because they want to protect the boatload of money that they still have. When I file for bankruptcy it’s because student loan officers have started coming round my apartment with tire irons. It’s just different.

So when a rich person declares bankruptcy they actually do have money. In fact they probably still have a whole lot of money. But when Donald Trump declares bankruptcy you don’t see him wiping his ass with hundred dollar bills on IG. With rappers it’s different. The only things rappers like more than having money is letting you know they have money. Like the old saying goes: if Birdman makes bills in the forest and there’s no one around to watch him flex, did he even get paid?

And there’s nothing wrong with that. If you grew up with holes in ya zappatos, you’d celebrate the minute you be having dough. Unless of course there is a powerful government entity watching closely to make sure you’re not flaunting your expendable income. Then you have a problem. So I’ve been waiting to see which would prevail: 50’s common sense, or his desire to shine. Looks like we have a winner.

In conclusion: it is not always best to be fresh as hell if the Feds watchin.

Hold.

The fuck.

ON.

Can this be true? This mansion? The mansion once owned by Mike Tyson? The 21 bedroom mansion that was once documented on MTV’s Cribs?

Sign. Me Up.

Well, hold on. Not the whole mansion. I don’t need 21 bedrooms. What the fuck am I supposed to do with 21 bedrooms? No, just give me one bedroom. There are 25 bathrooms too, I’ll just use one of those. Unless it’s an emergency. We can work out the specifics later, but first let’s get to the big question, the elephant in the room:

Will 50 Cent still be living in the house? Because frankly that could be kind of awkward.

Like if I’m eating a bowl of cheerios in on the  of the nine kitchens and Fifty walks in and I’m like “Hey, Fifty! It’s me, the guy who you were forced to welcome into your home because of your deteriorating financial situation! Do you have any skim milk? Cause all I’m seeing is some kind of almond shit”

Or what if Fifty walks into the living room while I’m playing 2k16 and is like “Doc, did you clog the toilet?” and I’m like “Which toilet? There are, again, literally 25” and he goes “Toilet 3C, 5E, 2A, or 1F?” and I’m “No, yes, yes, and no” and then I go back to playing 2k16.

But on the other hand, what if me and 50 Cent become BFFs? We’d just go around playing XBox, drinking vitamin water, and crank calling Lloyd Banks. He could teach me about money, where it comes from, and how you get it. I could be the voice of reason when he tries to do something stupid like, posting someone else’s sex tape online without their permission. Man, it’d be great.

Anyways, I hate to do this, but I’m giving my future BFF a -10 for this whole thing. On a more important note, if any of my readers were interested in setting up a Kickstarter to fund my Connecticut Mansion Adventure, I would be willing to split the reality show rights to Doc & Fifty: Best Friends Forever. So, ya know. Get at me about that.

Friends, today is a dark day. Today 50 Cent declared bankruptcy and, if we’re being entirely honest, I am taking this pretty hard.

Where did things go wrong, Fifty? Why just this year Forbes estimated your net worth at 155 million and… Wait, hold up… That was in early May? You blew through all that in two months?? I know the Forbes list is just an estimate but this is a little hard to believe.

Something isn’t right here. Fifty is in trouble and he needs my help.

Right off the bat I have two main theories:

1. The person at Forbes who calculated Fifty’s net worth is the kid who sat in the back of your summer school math class throwing pencils into the ceiling all day.
2. Fifty got hit with some kind of Oceans 11 type heist, maybe using the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight as cover, maybe orchestrated by a cadre of Russian hackers, almost definitely involving a Lloyd Banks look-alike with a decoy briefcase

Well, it only took me some brief detective work to determine that neither of my theories were correct.

Pictured: Detective Work

Turns out this is just a thing that millionaires do. You see Mr. Jackson currently owes a lot of money in lawsuit payments, including one in which he posted a woman’s sex tape online with his own added commentary. An aside: if you asked me what multi-millionaires did with their free time, you could give me 1,000 guesses and I would never have said “add commentary to other people’s sex tapes”

But basically there are different kinds of bankruptcy, and this kind is not really the same as the kind where the government shows up and takes all of your possessions because you have less than zero money. This kind is more about protecting Fifty’s assets in light of recent lawsuit-related debts, and is widely regarded as a good move. Long story short: he’s still rich and he intends to stay that way.

I don’t think there’s any need for a score change here, but we can all rest easy now, knowing that Curtis Jackson is not going on welfare any time soon.

Actually according to this chart from SB Nation it may have, in fact, been the worst:

Damn, Snoop. Right down the middle.

For real though: this is a pretty awful pitch. The angle the ball travels at after leaving his hand looks like a direct violation of the laws of physics. But I’m sure there’s an explanation for this, right 50?

Oh.

Let’s move on real quick so that we don’t have to linger on the thought of 50 crankin’ his soulja boy.

I like that, in his Reddit AMA, Mr. Jackson has a sense of humor about this. Like he recently told Rolling Stone: he is not an athlete, he is a musician. Plenty of rappers would be pissed that the pitch keeps getting brought up, but 50 knows he’s big enough that he can afford to not give a fuck.

It’s relatively minor, but I’m giving 50 Cent +10 for his response to this.