Still in jail awaiting trial for numerous charges, up to and including attempted murder, Bobby has had bail denied time and time again. The newest development in this ongoing comes from Shmurda’s mother, who recently told XXL that while locked up, he has been working on a script detailing the origins of GS9, several other members of which are being held for trial as well.

Uhh, Bobby, that might now be the best idea.

Remember the last thing you wrote? That song that made you famous? Remember how, as we have previously discussed, the lyrics are like 75% incriminating evidence? Remember Mitch? Remember how he caught a body a week and almost two years ago? He’s being charged for that.

This seems like a half-assed scheme the DA might cook up in a CSI knockoff. He doesn’t have enough evidence to convict, so he has a typewriter left in Shmurda’s cell hoping that, if left alone long enough, his burning desire to write will produce some kind of court admissible evidence.

So Bobby, do you get what I’m saying? This script is probably not a great idea. At the very least you gotta throw in some leprechauns or something that you can point to like “See? This couldn’t have happened. There are leprechauns. Leprechauns aren’t real”

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Keef has several outstanding warrants in the state for yada yada yada, can we talk about the fucking hologram??

This is seriously like the intro to a sci-fi action movie. Brutal police forces in a harsh dystopian wasteland (sorry, Indiana) storm the stage to capture the an elusive freedom fighter only to have him vanish in flash of light. Except it actually happened wtf.

So my first question would have to be: who gave Chief Keef a hologram machine? Do you know how hard it is to get your hands on something like that? The president is going to hear about this and be like “Michelle, why don’t we have a hologram machine? Do you think Keef would let me borrow his?”

The answer to my question, it turns out, is Alki David, the CEO of Hologram USA: a company that used up all of their imagination building a hologram machine and had none left over to think up a clever company name. Overall, a smart move by David, making headlines in order to fill the void left by the crash of Digital Domain Media (creators of the Tupac hologram) who were rumored to be in talks to take the act on tour with the likeness of various other deceased artists.

I’m giving Keef +5 for finding a way to appear at this benefit concert despite the fact that he is is apparently unable to set foot in the state without drawing a police presence. Until Young Thug escapes from a SWAT team using a jetpack, Keef is the closest thing to Star Wars in the rap game.

I am also willing to Alki David as large a street credit boost as he wants if I can use this machine, for just one day, to avoid having to actually attend my next family reunion. Ball’s in your court, David.

This all started when Diddy saw Coach Alosi yelling at his son Justin during practice. Now, getting irrationally angry at your kids’ sporting events is an age old american tradition. If your mom never got kicked out of a high school gymnasium for calling bullshit on the ref that gave you three fouls in the 4th quarter, frankly I think you gotta ask yourself if she really loves you. In this case though I think the artist former known as Puff Daddy aka the artist formerly known as Puffy aka [etc. etc.] was off the mark.

Everybody that’s ever played a serious sport in high school or college knows that the strength and conditioning coach’s only job is to make you want to lift weights. How do they do that? They try to make you mad as hell and then cross their fingers and hope you take your anger out in the gym. It’s a pretty effective method too because you’d have to be a lunatic to try to fight an S&C coach. Every strength coach you meet has some form of meathead PTSD with a bunch of nerve damage and pent up rage. It seems like at any moment they’re a stubbed toe away from doing something that’ll start a nationwide debate on gun control.

Having said that, I should also mention that Sal Alosi is kind of a dick. He was on the coaching staff of The NYJets for a time before being forced to resign in 2011. Why, you ask?

So overall, even though Diddy overreacted here, I respect him for having the balls to go after this dude. Diddy’s making a strong case for himself as “Hood Dad of the Year” and that’s grabbing him a 10 point SC boost

After all the brawling at shows, highway shootouts, and beef with GBE, I assumed there was nothing Migos could do anymore that would surprise me. I was wrong.

The initial arrest wasn’t so shocking (guns and narcotics are kind of Migos’ thing), but shit started to heat up three days later when news surfaced that, while Takeoff and Quavo were back on the streets, Offset had been denied bail due to his history of legal issues. Rather than be daunted by this, Offset decided to abide by the old saying: “Every setback is just a new opportunity. An opportunity to start a prison riot”

And that’s exactly what he did.

Details are sparse, but apparently this all began when Offset got into it with another inmate on Saturday 5/2. It’s only speculation, but I like to think that the incident ended with Offset shouting “None of you seem to understand. I’m not locked in here with you, YOU’RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME!”

While this kind of activity might boost your reputation on the inside, it isn’t the kind of thing that makes a judge inclined to let you out on bail. The following Friday he was denied bond for a second time and responded by yelling obscenities at the judge. Because ya know… Fuck it, I guess.

The whole thing definitely sticks to this whole doin-hood-shit thing Migos has going on, and I’m giving them a significant bump, but dude ya gotta stop. I’m already resigned to the fact that I’m not gonna see a Bobby Shmurda show until I’m old enough to collect social security, and now Migos has delayed their Yung Rich Nation tour. What’s it gonna take for me to see Migos live?

Props to anyone who prints out this article and relays my message to Offset by sneaking it to him hidden in a cake.

I want to start this article with a disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, nor do I have any legal training. Now that that’s out of the way I can say that in my professional legal opinion Ackquille Pollard aka “Chewy” aka “Bobby Shmurda” is FUCKED. Like massively fucked. I’m not proud to say it but I read the indictment cover to cover and that shit was bad. I’ll sum up my takeaways and some of my favorite parts:

• The indictment brings charges against 19 people, 15 of them are named and 4 are assumed (by me) to be snitches
• Bobby’s other nickname is “Chewy”, maybe he likes Star Wars, maybe he’s into granola, we’ll have to wait for the trial
• Every crew has a dude nicknamed D-Rose
• Every crew should have a dude named “Montana Flea”
• Bobby was regularly out selling drugs, including to undercover cops
• Bobby shot his gun into a crowd of people
• Bobby shot at other members of GS9
• GS9 member “Mitch” is being charged with murder. I wonder if Bobby’s line “Mitch caught a body bout a week ago” will come back to bite him. Nah probably not

Excerpts:

• On or about April 28, 2014, in a telephone conversation, the defendant Deshain Cockett aka “D-Boy” told the defendant DEVON RODNEY aka “Slice” that the defendant ACKQUILLE POLLARD aka “Chewy” aka “Bobby Shmurda” was armed with two firearms while on the street stating “your bob Bobby out here with 2 CDs on him like he in the wild wild west or something”
• On or about April 28, 2014 in a telephone conversation, the defendant ACKQUILLE POLLARD aka Chewy aka Bobby Shmurda told the defendant DEVON RODNEY aka “Slice” that he was armed with two firearms while he was in the street stating “I’m two socks Bobby right now”

Shit’s real fucked up. As much as I’ve loved Bobby up until this point I can’t bring myself to defend him. Firing shots into crowds and blasting up barber shots isn’t good. Not to mention the fact that he did a lot of this shit after Hot Nigga blew up. Shitty decision making all around. He almost redeems himself by calling himself  “two socks Bobby” but it’s not enough. SCR will keep covering the story as new information leaks and the trial kicks off. For now I’m giving Bobby 50 points for being authentic as fuck.